Its been sometime since I put my finger tips to computer keys. Its not my laptop and the thoughts don't seem mine either.

Have you ever been in a situation where a constant feeling of nausea knocks every clean breathe of cheer out of your system, where every breathe you take makes you want to cringe and lose yourself into a corner where you can easily never have to surface from and are forgotten as someone who could have been and just couldn't be because of lack of a certain large dosage of moral fibre?

Why is it that when you so badly don't wish to be an angsty poster boy for the 'Pathetic loser of the year' thata's exactly when there is no way you can be anything else? Why would certain existential questions be so much more than existing? Why is it that you can't be more like a cliche and why do you need to be this absolutely different person?

Is there anyway possible that you could sift through the bullshit you feed people and the bullshit they hoard on to you? Why do you need someone to care for you? Why do you need them to think the world of you? Why do you need company to feel good about yourself? Why can't you just be? Why this need to please the world? Why the heck can't we ever just be? Why this constant need to belong? Why this need to be known?

Why is an image so much more than the real deal? Why need an approval from someone? Why be so eager to be whatever the world wants you to be? Is there any unique self or is the world just made of the same stereotypes which have stemmed from faulty prototypes of narcissistic depraved attention seekers?

IS the world cleanly divided into winners, losers and the pretenders? And who exactly are you in the world you make so much off? IS there really someone you can call your own? IS it really so wrong to actually give up and realise you never really couldn't have managed to go all the way or that you really could never manage to honour your words? IS quitting really not the right solution?

IS happiness an illusion? Do only people with faith acquire happiness? Do some people love to be unhappy? Does love really exist? Why do you need feel good qualities to exist? Are we any better than other organisms?

Why do I hope against hope?

It takes a really stubborn naive idiot to believe in things I think I believe in. I can't be sure about anything and I never really believe anything but the worse case scenario. Is it because it is easier to believe that bad is bound to happen and I don't have any control on it? Signs of a weak character. A hero has weak moments but has the strength of character to battle the weakness. I know a hero I am not... I have only heard of them and it now feels like I misheard...

Is it all a lie?