An entire wasted pause…

The second last day of this year begins in exactly thirty seconds. I have thought over this year so many times I just wish it had taken me some where. At the expense of another year, I should have evolved and I suppose I might have but then the idea of having paused in a certain existence, a certain mood…
Its like things have stopped in motion.
It would be stupid and completely unbelievable if I said I didn’t attempt to shift out of this pause but somehow things remained frozen whatever my act may be.
I laid a thousand lies. To myself and as it is proven to most around me. Isn’t something not believed by a majority turn to be a statement of a fantasy which couldn’t be reality.
In most essence what did this year start with? What did I think I shall achieve out of it? I do know I told myself I could be a better person. But I think I just gave up on that bit at some point or other. I feel it probably was about me never having attempted. I lived in a wallow of deep hate and anger.
I am sure my room mate realised all of that but knew there wasn’t a point in pointing it out. She knew I was changing right there in front of her. She knew I was being someone else.
What does it change in essence? That’s one person who knows how things have gone from everything to nothing to knowing that some are just meant to be together. However hate or love some things are made to be a part. There are no names… I guess it was good to know that at least three people knew I was making it a point to waste myself in a pause. I am quite thankful. I know one other almost figured so…
I am quite uncertain if things are going to change quite so much with this year. It’s about what you say and what you mean. Trust and hate, Love and loyalty. I suppose you only feel only as much in these as much as you choose to be. I have been at the both sides of all these and after a while I have started agreeing that what I thought of myself was something quite otherwise. Untrustworthy and disloyal would be apt.
If pauses could be examined it would be true to notice that the anticipated pauses are something which are merely acted out. Other pauses, you just ease yourself in. It’s called a crisis. It would be easier for me to be one or the other kind of stereotype of existence, since unique is just poetic bullshit. Everyone is like any other, wrapped in their own sense of different idea.
Ignorance of not having common sense is one thing but being aware that you are stupid and acting otherwise is something which you can’t come to terms with and when it’s you whose acting then the coming to terms is even more improbable.
It would be entirely another case if you were a wimp but acted otherwise. Cause that just shows, if you live like a door mat. But are you prepared to change it? Not quite, cause take my word I am one and I just wouldn’t.
I am sure the easy answer would be to stop being a sissy but it’s easier said then done. Actually, when you are a wise guy wimp then you most certainly don’t change. You only take offence and act you are hurt at having being called the wise guy wimp…
So does being close to 2008 change anything. Yes, I suppose it gives me a chance to be cruel but I guess I was always known to have a tendency for being cruel. I think things would work quite well… After all, existence would continue in a pause. I would keep acting as a misunderstood honourable genius while being aware of being an idiot and a wimp.
That’s the thing about pauses they create images usually illusions…