I HAPPENED!!!



Phone beeps
it is picked with devil may care (read with over enthusiasm... no one calls its too freaking expensive) attitude.
Voice on the other end ... " pRicky..."
Voice at the phone receiver's end (rugged, suave, sexy... {read-- not quite by a mile} ) "I am listening"(not nearly those words) "Yes, this him."(but close enough don't you think?)
Voice on the other end... "1830hrs... Dress sharp" (not quite... he actually said why the $%$%" does your phone keep getting disconnected. Be there at Six thirty... Dress smart in black shoe and pants)
pRicky responds with nonchalance(with enthusiasm. I am sure you guessed) "I'll be there..."

And so started a very long evening... and things went down hill after that(literally but not quite off the hill)

Desi pRicky walks into 'Nikki's Punjabi Delite' (a pseudo up market high society restaurant) at 1830hrs (because he flatters himself on being punctual)
Shaved, brand new black trousers, button up shirt, woodland jacket and brown formal shoes. pRicky walks up to the bar in splendour nodding a bit with the soft bollywood music playing in the background. The waitress looks up asks with a smile... "what will you have sir?" He says I'll have the tshirt you are wearing. The look on her face was worth the line.
pRicky continues" well actually I am the new waiter and I would need a tshirt to start working. Don't you think? I'll be working with you guys today" ( sometimes i crack myself up... working with you god! what was I doing taking over as the bloody CEO???)
ASIDE----Yes I went to work cause I am in foreign land and not just any foreign land but capital of the freaking English land where I study (supposedly) in the university which accepted me due to a bureaucratic screw up I am sure, the currency of this land is not just a sin but a crime (think in context of 90times ours... its actually a holocaust!) and to make ends meet I need to work part time (not quite but makes me sound cool!!!) actually I just need the money for weekend booze(makes me sound even more cool!!!) Well the reasons are not important I just need the money ok!!!--- private thoughts with self over.
Must give it to the waitress, she kept her composure and handed me the t shirt (need I say obviously not hers?)
So I get out of my apparel and got into the tshirt which now transformed me into 'Nikkie's' (purple but they call it blue for some reason... none of them seemed colour blind ).
So the owner who i discovered was after who the fantastic very recommendable place to eat was named after (hey I work there I am supposed to get them more business) gave me his wise words... " ask all that you want to know... No mistakes I don't tolerate that. The senior staff will show you around the strings."(I really started looking around for them!!!)
The senior staff of two M and N... M the waiter and N the waitress(the same one). They showed me where the plates were and the sauces and the menus (I almost gave them the order... take away of course) and when they told me about the drinks menu I told them I didnt drink...(like you they didnt smile). But they didnt show me around the Strings or the strings which the boss had asked them to show me. I didnt tell the boss cause M and N might have lost their jobs for disobeying...
The son enters full suited booted (punjabi born in Kenya and hates being called one). Shakes hands and asks the senior staff to show me the ropes(this cracked me up because there werent any ropes at all or strings for that matter for me to be shown. I think it is a family fetish).
He asked M to get me an apron. M hands it to me. I think they took their revenge on me there. the size of that apron was that of a micro mini. I am a complete man I know what it is to wear a micro mini and smile and greet everyone with a smile. The smile was actually giving a message you laugh at me and I am going to punch you right across the face man or woman(hey i am a man wearing an apron which is the size of a micromini over my brand new black pants... I can punch either way sex of the recipient no bar)
So well the restaurant was actually booked full and people soon filled all the tables. Lay the starters plate for L23 four people and eight main course plates for R34. and some drink at R5(I served drinks which I dont know from one to another). When People ordered drinks through me, My face would have told them I dont know &%&$@ about what they ordered (I dont even know if I got them the correct drinks. Does it matter??? Don't they all taste the same???)
I almost dropped chutney on one guy with too much gel in his hair while I was laying the starters table. I wonder how he would have reacted?
I knew this was the table disaster would strike(disaster is not a guy, its just something which happens when Human version of Archie{read--yours truly} serve at tables of eight). So pRicky(its a vision from a camera thats why shift from I to pRicky) is clearing the main course plates. Piling one after other, this guest was extremely helpful and kept piling too and in the process thhe whole pile of plates smashes(its when a huge pile of dirty plates and bowls smash on the floor your entire life flashes infront of you not before you die. It really is your moment in the limelight when the whole restaurant is looking at you and you are looking at the mess at your feet with food all over your brown formal shoes and wondering how you actually managed to save your precious new trousers and thinking how convincingly and confidently can you blame the costumer of the damage{yes all in a second, I assure}) and then all hell broke lose. The suited booted son who hates being reminded of his roots, the senior staff M and N, the kitchen staff, even the son's wife from two floors up came rushing to the table (If i wasnt busy cleaning my shoes I would have definitely felt as Neo must when Mr. Smiths come running to finish him off). N reached first and said her flurry of apologies (she told me later she didnt mean any of them) and then asked me if I was alright (I don't think she meant that also but she asked again and again through the evening so well your guess is as good as mine). M kept asking me not to take tension and I really wasnt taking any. All of them were though. I go to the Kitchen and the Son was nearly jumping out of his trousers with indignation. He started saying what the %&£@ were you doing out there but then he turned around to me and stopped (He saw the apparent difference between us. He was half my size. He didnt say a word. So I am little bigI guess).
I was damaged goods then. I was allowed to carry nothing but clean the tables but not for long. They were understaffed and couldnt do without me being out of action. So I was back to serving drinks the names of which I didnt know.
During all of this M asked me what happened inside the kitchen. What did the boss's son say?
I said nothing and he was almost broken hearted at that. I am king of disappointments.
And so the evening was coming to a close with people going back to their home with satisfaction at being served by a complete Klutz. I started thinking of getting the money I had earned(haha!!!). When the cook asked me what will I eat and I told the guy that I was working here not a guest(He didnt know how to react to that but he wasnt amused I can tell you that). He asked again and I said of course I'll eat food with naan(perfectly normal for a first time waiter at a restaurant where he broke lots of crockery to be ordering food. I mean it really is normal).
So I belted the food, drank a coke (courtesy N) in my original apparel with M who I discovered was from Agra (two UP ke bhaiya jaab milte hain to ek dusre se zyada khane ki koshish karte hain. You all know who won.)
After carrying out all my duties I wait and the dear son's wife and says "You keep this". In my hands I see £20 not £25.
We are in camera mode again
pRicky looks at his hands and looks at the son and says it was agreed that I would get £25. The son starts with " well..." and continues " after tonight..." wisely trailed off, actually he didnt trail off. pRicky interrupted and said What about tonight??? I dint break those plates(of course, he didnt!!!) and it was an accident (most definitely!!!).
Censor cut with respect to younger audience.
The wife jumps in and says of course it was an accident and here is the £5.
pRicky takes what is rightfully his (broken crockery be damned!!!)
The wife says the boss will call you if the need you(Ya right! you dont like the business either huh? I didnt say it though. But I wanted to say if not for your sake for the sake of the crockery dont call me.)
pRicky in his element again, smiles and waves good night and walks back to his place in the dead of the night... unscarred, unblemished and totally bored.

BBC asked how my day was.
Oh nothing eventful!!! (I did say I was in my element didnt I???)




Heart felt thanks to Prude, who told me about the job.
The son who hated his origin being mentioned and use the F word quite liberally for being half my size.
To M and N without whom the evening would have quite painful.
And to dear almighty God...
Vodka you were the saving grace.